1. I think fruits and vegetables are:
a. Best when grown organically and eaten raw.
b. A boring but necessary part of a healthy diet.
2. My firstborn son is or will be named:
3. I like to shoot:
a. Pool, at the upscale billiards lounge.
b. Ducks, during hunting season.
c. Liquid eyeliner, into my veins.
4. My basement is full of:
a. Last season's clothes in garment bags.
b. Junk in cardboard boxes.
c. Pregnant girls in chains.
5. I would make a special trip to see:
a. The latest works by a promising artist.
b. Prizewinning pies at the county fair.
c. Actual queers kissing.
6. My underpants are:
7. My favourite birthday gift is a bottle of:
c. Lice medicine.
8. My mother lives in a:
a. Condo in Florida.
b. Bungalow in the suburbs.
c. Playpen in a trailer.
9. My most embarrassing moment was:
a. Messing up a presentation at work.
b. Forgetting my lines in the school play.
c. Being raped by a giant lobster.
10. The ideal outfit to wear to a trial is a:
a. Conservative suit.
b. Casual yet tasteful sweater and slacks.
c. Skin-tight, scarlet, fish-tail gown.
11. When I need to urinate,
a. Search for a convenient public washroom.
b. Hold on until I get home.
c. Squat on the lawn of the governor's mansion.
12. Rosary beads are for:
b. Adding an edgy, ironic accent to home decor.
c. Inserting into my most secret of orifices.
13. I'd be so happy if my dear nephew:
a. Was successful in his chosen field.
b. Took better care of himself.
c. Turned nelly.
14. I love my spouse more than:
a. A hundred poets could rhyme.
b. Life itself.
c. The sound of bones breaking.
15. The best revenge is:
a. Living well.
b. Served cold.
c. Licking my enemy's furniture.