How Filthy Are You? Quiz

1. I think fruits and vegetables are:

a. Best when grown organically and eaten raw.
b. A boring but necessary part of a healthy diet.
c. Obscene.

2. My firstborn son is or will be named:

a. Braeden.
b. Michael.
c. Noodles.

3. I like to shoot:

a. Pool, at the upscale billiards lounge.
b. Ducks, during hunting season.
c. Liquid eyeliner, into my veins.

4. My basement is full of:

a. Last season's clothes in garment bags.
b. Junk in cardboard boxes.
c. Pregnant girls in chains.

5. I would make a special trip to see:

a. The latest works by a promising artist.
b. Prizewinning pies at the county fair.
c. Actual queers kissing.

6. My underpants are:

a. Fancy.
b. Plain.
c. Skid-marked.

7. My favourite birthday gift is a bottle of:

a. Liquor.
b. Liniment.
c. Lice medicine.

8. My mother lives in a:

a. Condo in Florida.
b. Bungalow in the suburbs.
c. Playpen in a trailer.

9. My most embarrassing moment was:

a. Messing up a presentation at work.
b. Forgetting my lines in the school play.
c. Being raped by a giant lobster.

10. The ideal outfit to wear to a trial is a:

a. Conservative suit.
b. Casual yet tasteful sweater and slacks.
c. Skin-tight, scarlet, fish-tail gown.

11. When I need to urinate, I:

a. Search for a convenient public washroom.
b. Hold on until I get home.
c. Squat on the lawn of the governor's mansion.

12. Rosary beads are for:

a. Praying.
b. Adding an edgy, ironic accent to home decor.
c. Inserting into my most secret of orifices.

13. I'd be so happy if my dear nephew:

a. Was successful in his chosen field.
b. Took better care of himself.
c. Turned nelly.

14. I love my spouse more than:

a. A hundred poets could rhyme.
b. Life itself.
c. The sound of bones breaking.

15. The best revenge is:

a. Living well.
b. Served cold.
c. Licking my enemy's furniture.