| Verse
1:
The Haggis is Greeted
Fair fa' your honest sonsie face |
Greetings and good luck to your honest, cheerful face. Great chieftain of the intestine-based race of foods! You rank above all other dishes coming from the paunch, tripe or guts; You truly deserve a grace As long as my arm. |
In the old days Burns extremists in Scotland would greet the entry of the haggis by standing on their chairs, putting their right foot on the table, drinking a dram of whisky, then tossing the empty glass back over their shoulders onto the floor. This is no longer advised. Because this is a mock epic, however, the person addressing the haggis tends to adopt a properly exaggerated tone, full of dramatic gestures. |
| Verse 2:
Tribute is Paid to its External Dimensions and Attractions The groaning trencher there ye fill, Your hurdies like a distant hill, Your pin was help to mend a mill In time o'need, While thro' your pores the dews distil Like amber bead. |
You fill this
platter that groans beneath your weight, Your hips swell like a distant hill, A skewer on that scale would help to mend a mill In time of need, While through your pores the dews distill Tor form amber-coloured beads of moisture |
Hurdies, translated here as hips, can also mean buttocks. Pin can mean hip-bone, but some believe that Burns was also making a pun on the virile nature of the jutting skewer. A mill would, of course, contain the largest piece of machinery known to the poet's audience. |
| Verse 3:
The Personification of Rustic Labour Slices the Haggis His knife see rustic Labour dight, An' cut you up wi' ready sleight, Trenching your gushing entrails bright, Like ony ditch; And then, O what a glorious sight, Warm-reekin', rich! |
Watch as rustic
Labour wipes his knife, And cuts you up with easy skill, Digging a great trench in your bright moist innards Just like a ditch And then, O what a glorious sight, Steaming, warm, with good rich smells! |
The reference to
"His knife" allows the orator to brandish the knife to great effect,
before the actual moment of slicing. One hero in my presence turned in
mid-brandish to lunch at the attendant chef, who was standing
respectfully beside him, and proceeded to impale his white chef's hat.
It is very important that this move be rehearsed with the chef. A knowledgeable orator will pronounce dight, slight, bright, and sight as dicht, slicht, bricht, and sicht-- as in "braw bricht moonlict nicht". |
| Verse 4:
An Imagined Group of Diners Demolishes the Haggis Then, horn for horn, they stretch an' strive: Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive, 'Till all their weel-swall'd kytes belyve Are bent like drums; Then auld Guidman, maiste like to rive, "Bethankit!" hums. |
Then wielding
their horn spoons they dig in, stretching and competing, Every man for himself, on they drive, Till in due course all of their well-swollen bellies Are stretch tight as drums; Then the master of the house, the one most likely to burst; Stammers the usual grace after meat, "God be Thanked!" |
"Deil tak the hindmost"-- "devil take the hindmost"-- i.e. the slowest, has entered the general language. As has the parallel proverb based on spooning from a common dish: "He who sups with the devil will need a long spoon". |
| Verse 5:
Effete French Dishes are Disparaged Is there that owre his French ragout Or olio that wad staw a sow, Or fricassee wad make her spew Wi' perfect sconner, Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view On sic a dinner? |
Is it possible
that anyone-- over hs French "ragout", Or his "olio" stew that would bloat even a sow, Or his "fricassee" that would make her vomit, In total disgust-- Could look down in a sneering, scornful way On such a dinner as this haggis? |
Note that sow rhymes with ragout and spew. If you wonder where the hog-calling competitors of the U.S. got their "sooeee" call, look no further. The Scots (and the "Scotch-Irish" settlers from Ulster) who poured through the Appalacians to settle the American West originated the call when out on their homesteads in search of their sows, using the equivalent of "piggy, piggy". |
| Verse 6:
Those Who East Effete French Dishes are Disparaged Poor devil! see him owre his trash, As feckles as wither'd rash, His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash; His nieve a nit; Thro' blody flood or field to dash, O how unfit! |
Poor
devil! Just
look at him eating his trashy fare, As feeble as a withered reed, His skinny leg, thin as the end of a whip, His dainty fist small as a hazlenut; How unfit he is to play a dashing part In battles at sea or on the land! |
The orator usually lets himself/herself go at this point, since the whole verse is ideally delivered through a sneer, with "Poor devil" properly pronounced "puir deeil", which goes well with a sneer. |
| Verse 7:
By Contrast, Tribute is Paid to the Formidable Nature of Haggis-Fed Men But Mark the Rustic, haggis-fed, The trembling earth resounds his tread. Clap in his walie nieve a blade, He'll mak it whissle; An' legs an' arms, an' hands will sned, Like taps o' trissle. |
But consider the haggis-fed man from the country, The very earth trembles beneath his heavy tread, Put a blade into his mighty fist, And he'll make it whistle to good effect; Shearing off opponents' legs, and arms, and heads, As easily as cutting off thistle tops. |
Frequently, a sturdy attendant is singled out as "the rustic, haggis-fed", and his manly frame indicated, his shoulders clapped resoundingly, and so on. Equally effective is to signal out a small, frail, bespectacled, undeniably urban figure for this role, preferably a blushing lawyer or accountant. |
| Verse 8:
The Gods Are Invoked To Keep Scotland Supplied with Haggis Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care, And dish them out their bill o' fare, Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware That jaups in luggies; But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer Gie her a haggis! |
you Powers who
look after mankind, And distribute food among them, Old Scotland wants no watery dishes That splash around in their bowls; But, if you want her prayers of gratitude, Give her a haggis! |
The final line, "Gie her a Haggis!", is usually delivered as a climax, with all the company joining in. Frequently this is followed by everyone drinking a toast of whiskey. Or simply drinking more whiskey, showing that they have grasped the essence of the event. |