Media Reports - "Dawn of the Bitter Rose", Nakatomi's hugely successful software package has come under fire this week amid accusations that it was programmed for a high addiction factor. A press agent for Nakatomi was quoted as saying, "If people don't want to play it, they don't have to." He said nothing to allay rumours that long exposure to the game would cause sterility in players.
The National Center for disease control has tabled a red paper to be discussed at the upcoming world health discussions. The paper outlines causes of vascular collapse in the Ontario region. The recent escalation of blood shortage disorders in the area has lead some to believe a viral infection could be the cause.
Carrier isolated! The present blood loss situation amongst people in Toronto has been tracked to a possible source. An exhumation order has been given to allow the re-autopsy of one Karen Sutherland, who died almost two years ago under mysterious circumstances. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Health promised a full investigation. "I hope this is the source. If it is viral in origin we may have located one of the original carriers."
Police uncover 'Vampire Cult'. The Toronto Star's front-page picture shows the Police Emergency Task Force breaking into what was believed to be a crack production house in Parkdale. The picture clearly shows two police officers, one with a shotgun and the other a two-foot stake kicking in the front door. A Police Spokesman at a Press Conference today explained to a disbelieving press that the so-called stake was actually a crowbar being used to gain entry. "Vampires do not exist, ladies and gentlemen. These reports have been greatly exaggerated."
In unrelated news, the Justice Department gained approval for its new white paper on police apprehension and search procedures. The Chief of Police has publicly denounced the tighter regulations, saying "How can we serve and protect when we can no longer act without fear of legal reprisals? This is ridiculous. We may as well get rid of law enforcement altogether."
Fast rising media star hits Toronto. Motivational speaker David Baker, newest self-improvement guru, unveils plans for a week of enlightenment at the Skydome. Seen earlier on CBC's Newsweek, he spoke of the need for self-fulfillment in the people of Canada. "Anything is possible, we only require focus and application. This is a great country with great people. Together we can shape a future world. We can deal easily with pollution and prejudice through self-improvement. Together we can enlighten the human race and take the next step in evolution."
Two Million-Dollar Find! Antique guns were found during 'The Great Bass Hunt', by contestant William Fitzgibbins. Although disappointed at losing the 'Big One', he was quoted as saying, "First I thoughts they'd be trash. Who knew they'd be worth so much?" Experts are baffled, as the late 19th century handguns show no signs of rust. Contest promoters are ecstatic, as they are sure people will come from far and wide for next year's event. "Guns and Fishing have always been an integral part of our culture. Now we can have twice the fun in one great event! Just wait until next year!"
Thursday Morning News - Three bodies were found in the University of Toronto common area, riddled with bullets from a gangland style shooting. The three victims, not students of the University, were identified as Joe Brown, David Green, and Pamela McBane. A thorough investigation will be conducted.