TAKEOVER! Local Trading House Gardner Ross announced yesterday a hostile takeover of trading firm Chelsea & Sons amidst rumours of financial investigations and insolvency of the small trading house.
THE "FRANCHISE BANDIT"! Mr. Sub franchises all over the city have reported being held up by a man who is becoming known as "The Franchise Bandit". Tall, muscular, blond haired and blue eyed, this hunk in a brown and yellow suit and cape with the word SUBWAY written across his chest has been robbing Mr. Sub franchises and dropping the money off in Subway franchises. Also, the Bandit has struck the city's subway entrances painting over the graffiti of Egyptian hieroglyphics with pictures of himself standing tall and proud, cape blowing in the wind. Also, a 30 foot tall portrait has appeared in the alleyway just behind the Big Bop. This time the Bandit is featured with the caption "Looking for you Niktuku". Police have no leads.
WORLD WIDE PERSONALS AD! In every major newspaper all over the world today: "Madeline, I really need to get in touch with you ... please contact me at home Love, Alix .. 'In quiet you will know beauty, in beauty you will how truth, in truth you will know love, in love you will know quiet.'"
ATTENTION ARTISTES OF THE NIGHT! In the Toronto personals today: "To all the Artistes of The Night, semi-official gathering of us all on the night of the crescent moon to discuss Art, Love, Work and the Aesthetic of it all. Bring Roses. Call Box # 384 for details. Find your greatest part of joy, follow your greatest part of joy." Anyone who calls the Box # receives the following message: "ROM 10:30 pm".
SABBAT PACKS GONE MISSING! In New York recently, two sabbat packs have been reported "missing"!! Contacts within the Sabbat say that when last spoken to pack members were heard saying "Tersius. Going to the meeting place." They have not been heard from since. Sabbat are baffled by this strange and unusual behaviour.
SKINHEADS TAKE THE STREET! The resurgence of the skinhead gangs on the streets of Toronto continues this week. Police are assigning more officers to patrol "danger zones" to try to minimize violence.
"ENZO IS A STRUNZ" Spray-painted all over the city, the words "Enzo is a strunz" have been appearing at an alarming rate.
TOMB RAIDERS! Artifacts from the alleged "Tomb of Caine" have gone missing. The sarcophagi which were not scheduled to be opened until the x-rays were thoroughly examined were found opened - from the inside. The body shown on the x-rays is missing, as well as the Crown of Caine, possibly the oldest known artifact in existence.
VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE WINS THE BIG ONE!! Five storytellers for the live action Vampire game in Toronto won the lottery last week! When asked what they were going to do with their winnings of over 25 million dollars, ringleader Jenn was reported as saying "Crack! Lots of crack!"
BUNNY OF TURIN GOES ON TOUR! The Bunny of Turin has gone on the biggest world tour in history in an incredible attempt to regain lost popularity after the altar-boy/nun incident. Tour managers say that the Bunny is scheduled be in Toronto sometime in late April.