Orders and Judgments and Such

At my former job, I got to read labour arbitrations and judgments and other official, legally-binding documents written by people with, it appears, weak language skills and better things to do. I don't know what some of these people are thinking.

While it's particularly vexing when a judge makes a foolish error, some of the most horrific stuff comes from dissents to awards in labour arbitrations. The employer typically has a lawyer as its nominee, so that's rarely much worse than the chairman's work, but sometimes it seems that the union nominee is just some sucker who missed a meeting.

Not that everything's bleak: even a judge who underlines quotations might occasionally get off a good zinger. Some of these remain amusing out of context. And, of course, some stuff is even better out of context.

What did I mean by "underlines quotations?" Well, I had to fix OCR errors -- the paper documents got scanned, and then I got a crap-quality, jaggy copy to read, and a text file to clean up. You can imagine how well things turned out when somebody has a brainstorm that resulted in stuff like this:

" Gee, I sure hope that this makes it obvious that I'm quoting something. After all, mere indentation might not do the job, so I'd better "use quotation marks incorrectly", boldface, and underline significant passages! "
(emphasis added)

Yeah, the OCR loves it when you blur the letters, cram the lines closer together, and then obliterate the descenders.

So, uh, here's some funny stuff, in no particular order.

OCR errors

Maybe you can guess what words these were supposed to be. Some are obvious, and some, well, even I don't know.

gamishee
gamishoo
incrauffle
thereas
babeas corpus
mandarnus
parkruptcy
Lotion for Particulars
(undermining added)
The Court Mouse
The Human Rights Cab
Canadian Union of Public Exployees
...and I sneak from experience...
...travelling at a normal sneed.
...when the trial fudge is satisfied...
...under s. 37 of the Cow.
9 FA 1 1 il _pi p. !!
Isbour Orades
St. John's Mao Processing Plant

Amusing names

D. Tayles.
A.W. DONALDSON, MASTER OF THE SUPREME COURT. (I want that title. "By the power of Grayskull!")
A case citiation: Cantlie v. City of Winnepeg et al. (Imagine: "Your Honour, my client, Cantlie...")
Twaddle
Sweatman
the Borkenstein Breathalizer
Mr. Justice Toy (Hell, no, I want the real thing.)
Another citation: Warez Building & Investment Corporation v. Bank of Montreal ("Y0uR H0n0uR, I 4m 3LEET!!#*!")
Tidewater Oil Co.
Beer Precast Concrete Limited
Grimwood v. Moss
Dr. Bratty
Shlackoff v. Shlackoff (Somebody wasn't pulling their weight in that marriage, I guess.)
Robert A. Harlem (hmm...)
Randy Butt.

Fumble fingers

I hope these are typing errors.

shcoolboys
mangement
On its face, this may contain a tener of inquity.
"When one considers the word 'iminent', and appropriate analogy is the word 'impending'." (Except, of course, that "imminent" has two ms.)
"The word 'accident', like 'accident', is as the cases demonstrate not susceptible of precise definition." (Apparently, it isn't even self-identical.)
The Defendant used the Plaintiff as both a searcher of property and a goffer.
"...Mr. Graham's runners, wallet, and jacket, as well as his shoes..." (Now I'm worrying about those runners.)
...a full-tome employee...
The specific complaint is that not a "tittle" of evidence supports this finding of fact.
October 31th
aberrrant

Snicker

3. THE BASKET CLAUSE

Too many abbreviations. Eventually, they almost spell things.

In R. v. Donovan (1934), 35 Cr.App.R. 1, ...
O.W.N. 666 (Master)

It can't be what they meant to say...

"The plaintiff's husband was killed in a scheduled airline accident on June 23rd."
"...who died in January 1985. The action has been revived..." (so to speak!)

Curious Turns of Phrase

Charges

...did unlawfully practice architecture...
...the defendant falsely stated ... that his name was Steve Scott, whereas in truth and fact, as the defendant then well knew, his name was AL WADDELL...

Decisions

THE COURT ... DOTH MAINTAIN the appeal...

Oh, dear God

Hair curling horrors (some goodies from labour arbitrations, and some from transcripts).

Condition of vacation leave, quoted: "Weather permitting and if weather permits you will have to call in each morning before 7:00 a.m." (Nice when the guy who spoils your vacation can't write, eh?)
Here, where it is used in conjuction with quality of service and experience, both of which are used, as I read Article 18.02, in one case, a record of performance in the classroom and school, and in the other case with degrees, courses and service record.
"Nothing before me at all to discard that and not admit it and I have nothing to the contrary."
Heard: September 7, 8, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 1989
The description of that waybill is "1 CF Canadian Club" -- Canadian being CDN, which I judicially note is the standard definition for Canadian, however it is used.

Here's a long one. I've preserved the line breaks, so this is pretty much exactly how it looks in real life:

	The stress of the operator driving the largest vehicle on
	the original, narrow streets and the most congested of
	vehicles and pedestrians.

	The additional stress of pressing the correct keys before
	the passenger deposits the proper fare.

	And a further stress of disciplinary action
	because if the proper input by the operator does not
	agree to the probe results.

	When Management requires a paper check of any area of a
	certain line the Planning Department should do their own
	writing so the results would be accepted as correct.

	Since Management have to prove to the Commission and
	especially to the Council of the exceeding expense for these
	Fareboxes by having the operators used to produce a daily
	report that no other properties have and no one will read
	and what will it produce except another Company position.

	Finally, I believe the Company has the right to request
	information but they must pay a premium.

Good ones

These are turns of phrase and judicial zingers that should give you some hope. Not all of these are necessarily deliberately funny (at least one is simply amusing out of context), but all were amusing to see.

I do not propose to review the evidence at any length, and I propose to give only brief reasons for my dispositions of these issues.
First, the elephant's tusk. ...
Ms. Barnard finds it hard to believe that the court would put the child at risk by permitting unsupervised access. But, if such a travesty should occur, she requests...
...aided and abetted by an infatuated Manitoba widow...
It should be noted that the abdominal surgery is not connected with her shoulder.
After probably more dithering than was necessary, I concluded the exclusionary argument of the Defendant could not be sustained.
There was apparently some question as to the source of that document but it obviously came from some place...
It is my understanding that Mr. Dinney is an employed person. His proposed visitation schedule may have something to do with his employment schedule.
...died in the late 1970s and were unable to testify.
I must confess that I find both sets of submissions attractive in their own way.
Many doctors saw her but who was responsible for her? It is a mystery.
The plaintiff, James Smith, thought he had purchased a particular lot which he had looked at. In fact, he and his wife became owners of another nearby lot. There was a misunderstanding.
Until the outcome of the trial, Doody and Block remained of the view that s.5(2) constituted a good defence.
"Even if the evidence were sufficient to establish a prima facie case that consumers might be misled by the advertising campaign, I would not grant an interim injunction to prevent the use of T.V. spots discontinued six months before the application." (The Canadian justice system is always careful not to tamper with the past -- even for good.)
He would be a difficult client for a lawyer to serve. Unrepresented, he is a difficult litigant for a judge to abide.
The difficulty I have with her submission is that in the first place, I disagree...
In my opinion, it is clear that at the time the contract was made it was the intention of the parties to the contract that there was to be a high quality floor, not a super flat floor.
The limited partners in the Limited Partnership had limited liability...

En Français, S.V.P.

These are probably funniest if, like me, you speak a bit of French, but not too much.

R. On peut pas dire lesquels porcs, ils sont dans la porcherie les porcs là.
Le propriétaire a constaté que Alain Lemaire avail consommé des pogos pour son dîner et après une enquête auprès de caissières il s'est avéré que les dits pogos n'avaient pas été payés.

And here're some OCR errors:

slappliquer
...mil neuf ¢ent...

More later — I've got another page or so in my desk.

Back up there.